Focusing on My Loss

After watching the movie on Jack and Joy in class the other day, and the discussion that went along with it, i have been thinking a lot about my reaction to the deaths of loved ones around me. Lewis points out himself his very selfish thinking towards the end of Joy's life. He shares that once Joy is gone, he is going to continue to remember her the way he wants to, and in a selfish and comforting way. He also shares that the most hurtful part of her death would be that he no longer has her in his presence. That he wouldn't be cared for and loved by her like he so desperately wanted. As i look back on my life, and the death of my grandma and grandpa, i now see how selfish my suffering was at the time. When i was in sixth grade my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer and passed away only a month later. And since she lived in Iowa and i was in California, I never got the chance, in such a short amount of time, to travel to iowa and tell her i love her, or even good-bye. I can remember sitting in my living room with my father and being very mad at God. I couldn't believe that He wouldn't even give me a chance to say good-bye. I felt like i wasn't asking for much. I sobbed for most of that night. Yet, i wasn't crying for my grandmother, who was now healthy and painless, and in heaven with God. I was crying for myself. The fact that i could no longer visit her and be loved by her each summer when i visited my relatives in iowa. Had i been focused on my grandmother's best interest i would have been joyful that she was in heaven, rather i was focused on my self and my own feelings. Three years later my grandfather passed away. It had been very hard on him to lose his wife, and this left him lonely and sad. Yet, now he no longer had to hurt, and he no longer had to live alone. He was now in heaven with his wife, and more importantly God. Yet, once again i spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, and the loss of my grandfather who i was very close too. I had always been told i was so much like my grandfather, and i always felt a special connection with him. Once again i felt like God had robbed me, and was unfair, yet in reality he gave my grandfather exactly what he longed for, and it was selfish of me to think any differently. Today, i remember both my grandparents in the way that i choose. I remember all the great characteristics they had, all of the fun times and memories we shared, and how well they loved me. Is this wrong? Does it make me a selfish person for remembering them in the way that is most comforting to me? Maybe i need to remember that my grandparents also had their faults? I know that is was selfish and wrong for me to be focused on my loss, rather than my grandparents gain, but as for the way i remember them today, i feel like there is nothing wrong with remembering the good times, and forgetting the times that weren't quite so perfect.